SHREVEPORT, LA. – Doctors and students at LSU Health Shreveport are overjoyed to learn that the medical school and new healthcare partner Ochsner Health have agreed that the building pictured above could use a few more fucking windows.
After weeks of deliberating, officials from LSU Health and Ochsner gave a joint press conference this morning to declare that there are still many details being discussed as to how the public medical school will be able to function under the private management of the South Louisiana medical group. However, both sides unanimously agreed that the school’s main building needs to get its shit together as far as windows are concerned.
“It’s been an ongoing problem and a detriment to the education of students at our institution,” said LSU Health chancellor G.E. Ghali, “instead of focusing on cancer or the anatomy of the heart, our students will just stare up at that wall and think ‘well shit, there should be like twenty more windows up there right? Did they just forget about that one floor?’”
Ochsner CEO E.K. Gee also made a statement of agreement. “When we first drove up here to begin partnership talks, we saw those little windows and thought ‘is this a medical school or fucking Shutter Island?’ Then we saw how half-assed that one side was and knew what our first priority would be.” Mr. Gee was also quick to note how much more up-to-date LSU New Orleans’ facilities were regarding light sources. “Down south, their med school is all windows—not a single wall—and they’re doing great. The patients don’t get a lick of privacy, but they haven’t paid a light bill in a decade.”
The decision to pop a couple more windows up on that sumbitch has received overwhelming approval from the school’s faculty, particularly the professors whose offices currently receive less natural light than the Unabomber’s prison cell. “Not having a window can be so depressing,” said Dr. Sarah Bellum, professor of neurology. “Thanks to Ochsner, I can ease that depression by looking out of my new window and watching the sun gracefully set over a beautiful lubricant factory.”